I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
