hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
ugly people sure do ruin things
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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