"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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