So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you will always have a special place in my vag
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Randomize
