I saw his package. It spoke to me.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
