i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
