you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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