Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
