Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
