dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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