Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Houston, we have a blender
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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