The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Did I show you my penis last night?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
