My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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