I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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