I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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