we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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