Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
