How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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