So drunk its hurt
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
there is glitter all over my balls
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
