also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize