I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
