nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Why is your signature on my underwear?
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I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
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Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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