girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
