Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
