Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
