when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
