You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
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There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
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Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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