she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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