You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
