I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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