i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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