Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
