Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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