I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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