how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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