It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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