Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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