Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
