He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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