Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
