I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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