Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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