Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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