I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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