Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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