I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER