Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
