I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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