I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
