I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
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Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
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body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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