just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
