sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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