if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
